Kevin Costner is the most Boring actor that ever lived

Kevin Costner is the most boring actor that ever lived!
If I ever was suffering from a severe bout of insomnia, all I would have to do is pop a Kevin Costner Movie in the ol' DVD player and ten minutes later you would need smelling salts to bring me out of my boredom coma. If I were to smoke some crack, do a couple of eight-balls of cocaine, drink an entire case of Red-Bull and was vibrating on the edge of a full-blown cardiac arrest... the movie Tin Cup could bring me back from the brink of insanity and lull me into a nice deep sleep in a matter of half an hour. Every movie he has
ever made should have been called Field of Dreams, because they are guaranteed to put you to sleep within the first 5 hours... ensuring that you miss the last 3 hours.


Sure, he has gotten a considerable amount of critical acclaim due to movies like The Untouchables, Bull Durham and JFK. But God Damn it if these movies aren't boring as fly shit! I think that the only reason these movies got any acclaim at all was because the critics were finally able to catch up on some well deserved sleep AND write their entire review BEFORE the movie was over. I don't think I was ever able to watch an ENTIRE Kevin Costner movie in one sitting. Sure, I have slept through a few of them... but I've got shit to do. Every Single Fucking Movie that Kevin Costner makes is AT LEAST 4 to 5 hours long. I grew a beard trying to watch Dances With Wolves. I never knew they were allowed to make movies that were shot in ACTUAL TIME.

By the end of JFK I didn't give a fuck WHO Killed Kennedy! Costner not only is incredible at being boring himself... but he sucks the life out of any actors that have the misfortune to star next to him in one of his "epic tales". Think about it. Sean Connery was boring as hell in The Untouchables. Morgan Freeman was boring as shit in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Everybody in Wyatt Earp was dragging their spurs so much I was rooting for the bad guys.
And for some ungodly reason, everybody seems to forgive him for the terrible movies that he has done.

They should have gotten somebody that people actually RESPECT to play "The Mariner" in WaterWorld... then it might have actually been Good!

Revenge.

The Bodyguard.

The Postman.

Message in a Bottle.

3000 Miles to Graceland.

Mr. Brooks.

Swing Vote.

All Sucked! ...and were all at least eleven hours long.

If Kevin Costner stared in a commercial it would have to have an intermission in the middle of it!


In my personal opinion the ONLY good movie that Kevin Costner was ever in was Silverado. But that's primarily because he acted nothing like himself in that movie. Besides, the other actors mostly had scenes in the movie WITHOUT Kevin Costner draining their acting abilities.
He is a Talent Vampire and his acting career should be staked in the Heart, beheaded and burned and those ashes should be molded into urinal cakes and placed in the bathrooms of Grauman's Chinese Theater so the REAL Actors can take a nice long steamy piss on it.


And if all that wasn't bad enough. . .
Now he's trying to break into the fucking MUSIC INDUSTRY!


And if you don't believe me just go to his personal web site... http://www.kevincostner.com/
Oh, and make sure your speakers are turned all the way up.

Warning:

Do NOT play Kevin Costner's Music while a Kevin Costner Movie is on the television!

The resulting boredom has been known to put an entire square mile of urban territory into an Andromeda Strain situation where the Government has had to send a team of scientists in wearing complete Hazmat Suits... only to find out that they had been literally BORED TO DEATH!

Just Quit it Kevin.

Megan Fox should NOT be Wonder Woman

Megan Fox is a plastic little tart and she should in no way be considered for the role of Wonder Woman!

She is 5 foot 6 inches tall and weighs in at around 100 - 114Lbs (soaking wet) according to information found on the net. They also say that she sports 34C tits. If that's true, she must be strapping them down tight... just like her acting abilities.

Sure, she looks good hanging off the arm of some some handsome up-and-coming star... but lets give credit where credit is due... mostly to makeup and airbrushing. She's had several elective surgeries and she is only 23 years old. Sounds to me like she is gearing up for a good ol' Hollywood Coke binge. I wouldn't be surprised to find out she has an eating disorder that consists primarily of old-man dick.
Wonder Woman is a fucking AMAZON!

She should be AT LEAST 6ft tall or taller, robust, strong, black hair and big natural 38DD tits. Wonder Woman should be the kind of rough chick that can go toe-to-toe with Superman. As a matter of fact, in the DC New Frontier books, she is big and tough and wonderful. She is violent as hell and hates the tyranny of all men... just like an Amazon should be! She even stands up to Superman and makes him back down. Purely Awesome.

But you see, Hollywood is afraid of big strong women. This is why they are always pushing these little plastic glitz bitches on us. The sad thing is that the brain-dead American public eat it up because that's what they think they're supposed to do. And in the process of worshiping these wind-up bimbos, it ruins the image of regular women. I am so fucking sick of hearing beautiful women going on about how FAT they are. Your not fat, honey... your just standing next to an anorexic chick that would punch the pope in the mouth for a fucking cheeseburger.

Real women have curves... these little Hollywood skanks have to have shit injected into them so they don't look like a fucking crack-addicted zombie. This is NOT the image that we should portray as Wonder Woman.

Megan Fox's career hangs on Transformers and Transformers II... because before those CGI Explosion-fests, she didn't really do shit that anybody cares to remember. A couple of teenage chick-flicks at best. Who the fuck cares? She even mouthed off herself about how the Transformer movies were just Action flicks that had no real opportunities for any kind of acting.

Other than pursing up her collagen-filled lips and bending over a motorcycle and running in slow motion... I doubt that anybody could even remember one line from her in those movies. I know I cant.

Wonder Woman should be played by somebody like Julie Strain if your solely going for looks or someone like Zooey Deschanel if your looking for someone with natural beauty and decent acting skills.

But Megan Fox should NOT be Wonder Woman.

She should be where she belongs. . . swinging around a brass pole with a couple of fives hanging out of her G-string.

Robot - Zombies

The U.S. Army has just DOOMED US ALL!

A Maryland company under contract to the Pentagon is working on a steam-powered robot that would fuel itself by gobbling up whatever organic material it can find — grass, wood, old furniture, even dead bodies.

That's right... The Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot. EATR for short!

This is about the STUPIDEST Fucking Idea I have heard of since teaching Robots emotions. Okay, I'm sure from the Army's point of view, this is going to be an easy out as far as fuel sources go. Just one less thing for jarheaded enlisted dumb-asses to worry about when their out killing Innocent foreigners. Now don't get me wrong. I think the Concept of a Steam-Powered Vehicle that will take virtually Anything as a Fuel Source is a Brilliant idea. But lets re-establish that technology into something useful for mankind... Like CARS!

And that's right... I said "RE-establish" and I meant it. Because the Steam-Powered Car has been around for Over a Hundred Years! Click the Link to look it up. If only people could once again learn to overthrow the tyranny of their overlord oppressors called "The Government".

But don't worry about the Government or Steam-powered cars Numb-Skulls... because the idiots have now combined the relentlessness of non-stop, Terminator robots with the relentlessness of non-stop, undead corpse-eating Zombies.

That's right...

Robo-Zombies!

All it takes is for the AI brain in this unstoppable eating machine to figure out that it would probably just be easier to KILL humans and Eat them rather than foraging for substandard scraps until it happens upon a nutrient rich Already Dead Human Body!

Cut out the middle man.

Kill + Eat = Fuel for more killing.

Thanks a lot for killing us all, Fuck-Heads!

Eddie Murphy needs to Stop

Eddie Murphy seriously needs to STOP making movies!

When I was younger, Eddie Murphy was one of the funniest comedian/actors that ever was. I can remember laughing my ass off watching Eddie Murphy: Delirious and RAW and his parts on Saturday Night Live... they were rolling-on-the-floor hilarious. And then Eddie Murphy started making movies... and they were fucking GREAT!

Trading Places is still one of the best comedies ever made.

48 Hours was action/comedy/buddy-movie GOLD.

Beverly Hills Cop made me want to be a Black Cop.

Coming to America still holds its comedic genius today.

Harlem Nights was one of the funniest movies ever made.

Hell... I even loved Another 48 Hours!

Then he made the Nutty Professor. . .

He was at the pinnacle of his stardom and I think his comedic genius was beginning to run dry. First of all, instead of making something original, he opted for the obligatory Remake. Eddie Murphy's version of the Nutty Professor was funny, but it was no where near as hilarious as the Jerry Lewis version (Where Andrew Dice Clay got his persona BTW).

Then it was a couple more stinkers like Bowfinger and Metro until he struck it rich again with his supporting role of "Donkey" in the ever popular Shrek in 2001. Then he started doing kids movies and his regular movies roles began to circle the drain. IMPO, this is due to the fact that he got into a serious relationship and began the whole Wife and Kids thing... which is a proven formula for ruining a comedians edge. They don't want to upset the wife and they don't want to make any more movies that the kiddies cant watch daddy in. (lets forget the fact that the romp with the transvestite will forever be etched into the minds of those of us who care to remember).

Doctor Doolittle.

The Adventures of Pluto Nash.

Daddy Day Care.

The Haunted Mansion.

...All sucked.

In his earlier career, Eddie tried to help out other actors and comedians by having them as supporting characters in his movies. This boosted the careers of such people as Damon Wayans, Halle Berry, Samuel L Jackson, Cuba Gooding Jr, Dave Chapell, Chris Rock and even his brother Charlie Murphy.

But Later in his career, starting with The Nutty Professor, he happened upon the fact that he could play almost ALL of the characters himself, cutting out anybody that might be taking a piece of his transvestite pie. For fucking shame.

I , like a lot of people I know, haven't even bothered to see many of his latest movies like... Meet Dave, primarily because they don't even look funny in the commercials... they just look pathetic.

Now he has another movie coming out where the daydreams of his kid come to life in reality called Imagine That... (YAWN)... Didn't Adam Sandler do this movie last year?

Come on Eddie!

His future endeavors include...

Fantasy Island... where he will no doubt play Mr. Roarke AND the midget Tattoo as well as seventeen of the 18 guests on the island.

The Incredible Shrinking Man... no doubt a CGI circus of boredom. More like The Incredible Shrinking Career.

Yet another Shrek movie and finally... Beverly Hills Cop IV: the Investigation of Failure!

Eddie Murphy needs to stop before he dies of some drug and prostitute related incident and becomes another Bullshit Media Hero Joke like Michael Jackson 2 has become.

If I were Driving that DAVE SHIP i would Pilot it towards a nice Retirement!

Just Quit it Eddie.

The Beginning of the End!

Get your helmets and your combat-boots ready people because the Dawn of the Robot Armageddon is upon us.

We have all seen the movies and completely understand that one day the robots will rise up against their human masters and make us all their Robo-Bitches.

(If you Haven't seen the movies of which I am talking then I don't know what in the fuck you are doing here reading this in the first place.)

Humans are notorious for bringing upon their own impending doom. We are creating new ways to destroy ourselves every day. Robots, being the foremost in the line of destruction. And for some unknown reason we keep doing things to just make things worst.

Japan, being the for-runners in robot technology has created THIS Robo-abomination, completing the circle of Destiny.

That's right! This Robo-Exoskeleton is called H.A.L.! (Hybrid Assisted Limb)

If for some ungodly reason that doesn't ring some alarms in your head, let me remind you of THIS!

Yea, no shit! H.A.L. 9000. The Murderous robot/computer from 2001: A Space Odyssey.

And if things weren't bad enough... the company that is producing this Cyborg exoskeleton that is Ten-times stronger than a normal human is named: CYBERDYNE~!
And if that name slips your stupid mind for some reason... I will remind you that CyberDyne Technologies is the company that produced SKYNET... which was the World-wide computer system that became self aware and decided that it was in its best interest to obliterate mankind off the face of the planet! First with a world wide Nuclear attack... then by producing THESE to clean up the rest of the survivors. Thats right Mother-Fuckers... TERMINATORS!

Oh and by the way... just to drop that extra baggette of fecal matter in your cargo shorts. . . the British have a World Wide Satelite Military Computer system called... SKYNET!

We are truly FUCKED!

I think I am going to start thumbing through every phonebook in the continental U.S. for any woman named Sarah Conner... saving her can be our ONLY HOPE at this point. When will we ever learn to not create time paradox's that will result in the destruction of mankind?

Do not trust any piece of Technology.

Robot Armageddon is upon us.

You are the Resistance!

HOW TO BE AN ASSHOLE: The Check-out lane

I know a lot of you admire me because I'm an asshole and everybody loves me for it. And I'm sure that your wondering to yourself "How can I be MORE of an asshole?".

Well folks, your wishes are about to be granted!

This is the first installment of...

HOW TO BE AN ASSHOLE.

A great place to start is at the check-out line at your local Grocery Store. Everybody eats, and most people shop at a grocery store of some sort. Here are a few tips from your favorite asshole... me, Dr. Death.

Tip #1. When walking up to the check-out line make sure you ram your buggy into counter as hard as possible. The companies have already prepared for this and have placed anti-asshole-bumpers on the counters and on the buggies so there wont be any real damage. Why do this then? This is to announce to the cashier that you are indeed an asshole and you have chosen his/her lane to check out in.

Tip #2. When placing your items on the shitty conveyor belt, make sure you put delicate items first, like Eggs, Bread, Etc... then the heavy stuff. This will make the cashier have to juggle this stuff in his/her little area so that when bagging your stuff they have to do double or triple work.

Tip#3. Try to distract the cashier as much as possible while they are scanning your items. Ask questions like "how much was that?" after they have already scanned something else. Also, try to remember what order your items were placed in the bag. This is prep work for later on when everything is scanned. After Everything is scanned and bagged... inform the cashier that you have "Changed your mind" on said item and you don't want it anymore. This should invariably be that item that was placed in the Bottom of the bag for maximum annoyance.

Tip#4. When the cashier finishes and says "You total is $__.__."... don't move or say anything. Just stare blankly at him/her until they repeat themselves. Then snap out of your fake daydream and say something like...

"Oh man... sorry, I was just thinking about my Sailboat! You know what I mean?".

This will further the hatred already burning inside the cashier because... No, he/she has no idea what the fuck its like to own a Sailboat, much less see the light of day on a weekend. This is also a prime time for tip #5. Continue to talk obsessively about that wild party you had on your boat... or how your girlfriends/your friends came over to watch porn with you. Just make sure that the story is good, but believable, and try to make it sound like it was a great burden to you as well.

Tip #5. (This only really works if the store is busy and there are long lines) Suddenly realize that you have forgotten something that you just HAVE to go get. Then without warning to anyone, go walking off into an out-of-sight lane. If you really want to push your luck and compound your assholeishness... bring back the very item that you earlier told the cashier to exclude because you had "changed your mind".

Tip #6. Paying. When you go to pay there are several different ways to really piss off the cashier AND the people behind you.

A- Pay with cash... but insist that you have exact change and then proceed to take forever to sort out said money. If possible ball up your money or at least make sure that it is somehow sweaty. Its best if the cashier can SEE you pull it from your bra-strap/sock. Count out JUST Enough to pay, but try to ensure that you come up just short... then when the cashier is good and frustrated, just shove that money back into your pocket and then hand over a Hundred Dollar Bill.

B- Pay with Credit Card... but make sure that the magnetic strip on the back of the card no longer works. This ensures that the cashier will have to manually type in the numbers at least twice. If at all possible try using the one card that that particular store DOESN'T accept.

C- Pay with a check... this is where real assholes shine! Make sure you ask at least several times what the total was and when the cashier tells you, repeat it back to him/her wrongly. ALWAYS, and I mean always borrow the cashiers pen. Make sure that you don't include any of the information that is needed. This is a great time to search for your glasses. (If possible have them on your head.) Make sure, and this is imperative, make absolutely sure... that you take that cashiers pen! This ensures that that cashier has to work the rest of their shift pen-less.

And finally... as your leaving say "See you tomorrow!"

The thought of a returning asshole will no doubt ruin the rest of anyone's day.

Congratulations! You are well on your way to being an ASSHOLE.