How to spot an Alien

Aliens walk among us every day.... you just haven't accepted it yet.
Just think about it while you are out and about in your mundane day-to-day life activities.
Now, when I say aliens, most people think of the regular little grey men that is popular among movies and television. Or you may go to the other extreme and think about the creature designed by H.R. Giger for the movie "ALIEN" with all the tubes and extending teeth.

Well, if that's what your thinking... you would be very wrong.

The aliens that walk among us are more along the lines of the ones that were featured in "Men In Black". They are in disguise. They are trying very hard to blend in, yet failing horribly at the same time. You see, not only are there several alien races that look virtually human (like the Nords, who are tall and blond), but there are several races of aliens that kind of wear "Human Disguises". They walk around among us and try to stay inconspicuous... but they usually fail exuberantly. Usually to the point where they actually draw attention to themselves and make you think to yourself...
"What the fuck is wrong with that person? Are they even from this planet or what?"... I know you know what I'm talking about.

Here are a few easy ways to spot an alien...

1. They have obviously fucked up when they tried to pick a disguise... I.E. They look like they have no idea how regular people are supposed to look and dress. I'm talking about that huge fat lady in the tube top or the skinny white guy wearing the 4XL T-shirt that says "THUG LIFE" across the front of it. This isn't always that obvious. Sometimes its a little tricky, because a lot of humans in general have a hard time picking out clothing as well. But think twice when you see that blond wearing the pink jumpsuit with the pink ugg boots and the pink bag and the pink headband with the pink cellphone and sunglasses! Or the guy wearing black socks with sandals and khaki shorts.
Two dead giveaways are huge bug-eyed sunglasses to hide their alien eyes and Croc shoes that match their shirt. Some times its not even their clothes... its like their skin just doesn't fit right. Way to many wrinkles. Skin stretched way too tight. Giant lips/tiny nose.
Trust me... You will just kind of know when you see them, if you know what your looking for.


2. They have no idea how regular everyday technology works... for example, they are completely perplexed by simple devises like Cellphones, ATMs, Television remotes or Credit-Card machines at the check-out line. You know what I'm talking about. The next time that lady in the check-out lane, can't for the life of her figure out how to slide her credit card into the machine and then has to ask again for help when it comes time to sign her name... think about it. She is an Alien. This is due to the fact that most alien technology is Far more advanced than ours and everything is completely automatic or even thought operated for them. Think about how you would be if you had to live in an Amish settlement for a week.

3. They try desperately to use humor when they aren't funny at all... and usually they will use humorous sayings that everyone knows and has heard a million times before and then laugh obliviously at their own joke. These people usually don't even understand that you are not amused by their shitty attempt at humor and blindly continue on with their routine. These people will usually ask obvious-answered questions like... "Raining?", when you have just come in from outside soaking wet and fighting with your umbrella. Or "Get a haircut?"... you know the type.

4. People who are way to chipper and moving at hyper-speed... these people seem like they are trying to jam an entire lifetime into a months worth of Earth-time. They usually are doing ten things at once and don't even know that you exist unless for some reason they notice that you are NOT having a good day... then they will stop what they are doing to try to cheer you up in some odd way. Usually with a shitty attempt at humor. Notice that these "People" usually are also dressed weirdly.

5. They will not respond to you when you talk to them... you say, "Hello, how are you today?" and they just look at you blankly with no expression whatsoever. Usually these "people" will travel in groups, all of them quiet as can be, until you ask them to perform some sort of simple task or ask one of them a simple question... then they will quietly confer with each other in a tight little huddle and then one of them will reluctantly do or say as little as possible to appease you. These Aliens are called "Watchers"... they are just here to covertly observe our behavior and report back with their findings. They are usually associated with the big/dark sunglasses or possibly hoodies. They almost always have black hair.

6. Asians... Now I'm not saying that Asians are Aliens... but it is a known fact that throughout history Asians (especially the Japanese) were mated with aliens and alien-hybrids. This is why over the course of time they have taken on the features of the little grey men that they were once mated with. This is also a direct result as to why they are so God-damned weird. This is why they get off on such strange things as Tentacle sex and Anime. Its because most aliens, especially the Greys, are sick sexual deviants, and their offspring have taken on their bizarre tendencies. If you don't believe me just turn off the safesearch on your browser and google... "Weird Japan".
You will see shit there that will shock and amaze even the most daring of Internet adventurers.

So, the next time someone crosses your path that strikes you as so odd that it makes you think "What in the blue hell is wrong with this person?"... remember, they might just be an alien in disguise.
Glad I could help.

When it Rains it Pours

So I went to see my girlfriend last night who lives about 50 miles away. It rained like a son-of-a-bitch the entire way there until about the last five miles when the weather turned decent enough to turn off the wipers. The gated condo-community that she lives in is currently under construction of new buildings in her area and under the idiot planning of the complex owners they have only allowed for TWO guest parking spots per every twenty or thirty houses...

so I had to park down by the construction area.

Although we were both exhausted from our busy as Hell work schedules... she cooked a wonderful homemade dinner and then we went to bed.

This morning she left about 7:30am and I left about 8am.

I walk the two and a half blocks to my truck to discover that my right-rear tire is completely flat.

Son-of-a-bitch.

So I begin to get out the tools and jack and everything else I need to change the tire and I realize that the flat tire is smack in the middle of a muddy puddle.... so I figure "I'll just back the truck up a little bit into the dry road.". . . HA! Says fate!

I put the key in the ignition and I get NOTHING. My battery is completely dead due to the fact that I left my lights on because of yesterdays rain.

Son-of-a-crossed-eyed-Bitch!

So now I have to crawl around under the truck in the mud-puddle to get the spare tire free from its Steel FORD confines. After lots of sweating and jacking and twisting and cussing and tooling... I finally get the tire changed and the flat on into the bed of the truck.

After forty five minutes I finally flag down someone with a set of Jumper Cables and get a jump.

Now I finally get on the road to head home. I am sweaty, tired, dirty as Shit, wet and I have sand in the crack of my ass.

Twenty minutes into my hour-long drive home I run into dead still traffic. Due to an overturned semi truck I sit in traffic for an additional two-and-a-half hours, depleting my once full gas tank to a quarter tank. When I finally get my tire fixed and get home to replace the spare to its rightful place in its steel tomb under the truck... it starts to rain... HARD.

Son-of-a-monkey-fucking-bitch-in-heat.

Quotes of the day 07/07/09

Famous quote of the day.

"The meaning of life is contained in every single expression of life. It is present in the infinity of forms and phenomena that exists in all creation." - Michael Jackson.

Song Lyric of the day.

They're out to get you, there's demons closing in on every side
They will possess you unless you change that number on your dial
Now is the time for you and I to cuddle close together, yeah
All through the night I'll save you from the terror on the screen
I'll make you see" - Thriller.

Quote of the day.

"I'm dedicating my show 2night to Michael Jackson. Thriller got me laid. Well... At least that's what I told my friends." - Dane Cook

In Honor of Michael Jacksons Funeral

As I have said before... Michael Jackson isn't really dead. He is is alive and well and is now the ruling king of a far away planet.

I just want to say this to you to MJ...

"I know you are an avid reader of my blog Mike, so I know your reading this. It's pretty pathetic down here on Earth since your replacement (MJ2) bit the big one. People are crying and throwing themselves to the ground. People are paying enormous amounts of money to be at the funeral and worst of all... MTV is hosting the whole thing.

Its a good thing you aren't here to see it.

Fight on Mike."

Anyway... here is a great way to remember MJ on the day of his funeral.

THRILLER

Only Michael Jackson could command an Army of the Undead with his Incredible Dancing.

Dance on MJ... Wherever you may be.

Hollywood is Drowning

I am sad to inform you that Hollywood is drowning in a pool of its own unimaginativeness.

As of late, movies have been getting more and more ridiculous, not only as far as plotlines and actual substance goes, but it is grasping desperately for any idea possible to keep them afloat for another year. And no amount of money or CGI can toss Hollywood its much needed life preserver. And the viewers, the people who pay to see these movies are the concrete shoes that are dragging Hollywood to the bottom of Crystal Lake.

As of the last few years in particular, Hollywood has been taken over by 30-something TV fans who grew up with their eyes glued to the tube. In their own twisted inspiration they brought back such subjects as our favorite comic-book superheroes from our childhood. These concepts have been tried before, but with crappy directors, shitty costumes and horrible special effect. But with the advent of Computer Graphic Interface (CGI, yea, that's what it stands for)... the actual production of making movies have gotten way easier and much, much better. . . WHEN used in moderation.

We were given such hits as Spiderman, Hulk, The Fantastic Four, Iron Man and the ever popular Batman Begins. This combined with remakes of old classics like King Kong or I Am Legend and you have got yourself a Golden Goose with franchise diarrhea.

So then Hollywood started trying to figure out what other direction could they go into that would effectively rape our childhood and leave it bleeding and crying under the bed.

Toys.

And BOOM, with their first try they took the childhood toy concept of the Transformers and turned it into box office Gold! The problem here is that instead of appealing

to the people who grew up playing with the Transformers and watching the Transformers cartoon... they went the Hollywood way. And that's to try to get as many asses into the seats as possible. And People ATE IT UP. And then there will be G. I. Joe: Rise of Cobra... which has NOTHING to do with the G.I. Joe that I grew up with and is almost guaranteed to suck monkey balls. But I'm sure will make 300 Million easy.

So now they are scrambling to match up proven action movie directors and popular toy/cartoon/videogame lines as fast as possible for maximum rape-damage combo points.

And now they have pointed their greasy fat fingers at ASTEROIDS.

Yes the videogame Asteroids that came out in 1979. A little pixilated triangle-ship that fires little blips at big asteroids to turn them into little asteroids. About the most exciting thing that happened in that game was when you might accidentally hit the thrusters and go careening out of control towards the asteroids or quite possibly when that little annoying UFO would go whizzing by.

I'm pretty sure that they did all they could do with this subject when they made the movie Armageddon.

And yes, the same will be done with BATTLESHIP and CANDYLAND!

Really? You ask...

Yes, Really.

And they aren't going to stop there either. Now they are going to start making movies about items that have no possible reasoning for a movie plot whatsoever.

Hollywood has in the works a movie based on The VIEWMASTER.

Yes that crappy little plastic binocular knockoff that would allow you to view pictures in a shitty form of retarded 3D. What kind of abomination is this going to be?

And the WORSE part of all this is the fact that it is YOU as the movie viewer that is causing this to happen. For as long as we go and plop down our hard-earned money to sit through two hours of this Bullshit... they will continue to produce more and more meaningless drivel bombarded with slow motion gunfire and heroes walking away from spectacular explosions.

Just don't go to see this shit.

If nobody goes to see G. I. Joe: Rise of Cobra or any of these other wastes of Millions of dollars... then they will be FORCED to rethink their plan of action and maybe... just maybe... actually make a movie with some bits of a believable storyline and quite even possibly some decent acting.

So do you agree with me that the fate of the future Box office blockbusters are in the hands of the people? Or do you think maybe it just doesn't matter?

Supply and Demand people. . . Supply and Demand.